Assignment is to take 10 minutes of “quiet” and “see what comes to the surface.” The meditation is “what should I be doing with my non-work time?”
Hanging out with friends and even expanding my group of
friends. This is hard because I’m not a
very good friend. I’m not useful to
know. I think I’m pretty guarded. I don’t think of myself as reliable. I think I can be kind. I’m not really generous. I’m funny and well-meaning. I don’t know that I look for what I can
give. Mostly, I want people if they want
me. Not everyone is that way.
I think I should expand my friendships because…I love that I
can share bits of my life and bits of my heart with Jan and Mary and Melinda
and Helene. And yet, I’m not even out
there with these people. My thought is
that, the last people I dropped my guard for were Bric and Sifu. I got burned and even burned other people
because of them.
I need support but can my friends rely on me for
support? Maybe.
I should be doing something enriching. Learning a language (but for what purpose),
learning how to invest my savings (boring).
I should pray but I feel false and unskilled and a little scared. I should knit for charity but I don’t really,
really care.
What would I do if I had no fear and had money, money,
money? This is a question I want to
glide away from.
I think I want a fiber studio but I hold myself back from it
sometimes. It’s like I make the space
but won’t take the risks because I don’t want to fail and be wrong. That I’ll make something ugly. That I’ll devote myself to something and it
will be ugly.
Time’s up for today.
