Thursday, September 01, 2011

What Comes to the Surface

Assignment is to take 10 minutes of “quiet” and “see what comes to the surface.”  The meditation is “what should I be doing with my non-work time?”

Hanging out with friends and even expanding my group of friends.  This is hard because I’m not a very good friend.  I’m not useful to know.  I think I’m pretty guarded.  I don’t think of myself as reliable.  I think I can be kind.  I’m not really generous.  I’m funny and well-meaning.  I don’t know that I look for what I can give.  Mostly, I want people if they want me.  Not everyone is that way. 
I think I should expand my friendships because…I love that I can share bits of my life and bits of my heart with Jan and Mary and Melinda and Helene.  And yet, I’m not even out there with these people.  My thought is that, the last people I dropped my guard for were Bric and Sifu.  I got burned and even burned other people because of them.

I need support but can my friends rely on me for support?  Maybe.
I should be doing something enriching.  Learning a language (but for what purpose), learning how to invest my savings (boring).  I should pray but I feel false and unskilled and a little scared.  I should knit for charity but I don’t really, really care.

What would I do if I had no fear and had money, money, money?  This is a question I want to glide away from.
I think I want a fiber studio but I hold myself back from it sometimes.  It’s like I make the space but won’t take the risks because I don’t want to fail and be wrong.  That I’ll make something ugly.  That I’ll devote myself to something and it will be ugly.

Time’s up for today.