Tuesday, April 15, 2008

All things--even API Manuals

I've been procrastinating about getting started on writing an API Reference Manual. I'm really intimidated by it. I felt a bit overwhelmed by the technicality of it and the fact that I'm separated from the developers by 3 time zones.

But, I'm saying to myself, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Which means, I can even count on Jesus to guide me through writing an API Reference Guide. I mean, if He was instrumental in creating the universe in less than 7 days, certainly an API manual isn't too hard for Him.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Cleaning house

When Mommie was dying, it's like I HAD to knit to deal with the overwhelming sadness. Now that she's gone, it's been hard to get started in knitting again.

I spent most of this weekend cleaning my house. Mommie died because I let myself live in my depression. I used it as an excuse to live a sloppy life. My home has been a dirty, disgusting mess for 3 years.

Yesterday I took 15 bags of trash to the dump. I've got 6 more to go, but it's looking better.
I washed 2 sets of silverware, three sets of dishes, and 2 sets of glassware. I can see my kitchen counter! I "swiffered" my floors 6 times before they were clean. Now, my home smells like citrus instead of detritus. I cleaned stuff out of my fridge that expired last summer and restocked it with fresh fruits and veggies.

I cried as I cleaned because Mommie won't be here to sit with me on my clean patio or to bask in the sunshine on the clean, fluffy carpet. She died because I didn't take care of myself or anything very well. But, the way I can honor her is by being kinder to my kitties--cuddling them instead of pushing them away and by giving them a clean home to live in.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

You deserve a break today

I was waiting in the drive-thru at Mickey D's when I saw a guy get out of his Jeep, walk to the dumpsters, and throw away his cigarette. I thought it was so cool that he threw his cigarette butt in the trash instead of in the parking lot, I paid for his lunch. He yelled, "Thank you," as I drove away.

Rewriting my life's script

Today Dr. Laura said that for short-term burnout, physicality is a great remedy: take a hike or something. Short-term burnout is about overloading the brain. But, long-term burnout is about a lack of joy and requires rewriting your life's script.

So, I am kind of hating my life and I do feel a lack of joy. So, I need to figure out how to go to the place of joyfulness and usefulness.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

It doesn't get better

It's been three weeks and one day since I put Mommie to sleep. In some ways, I've already forgotten her and moved on. There isn't unendurable pain. It's not fresh and raw and sharp. But...

The other day, I was getting ready to go to work and did a quick "cat count" before I left. I saw Cat sleeping on the bed, Bug sleeping on the patio chair and Tommie's face smiling at me from behind the living room chair. But, I rushed all over the house, panicked, because I couldn't find Mommie. Suddenly, I remembered she was gone. Fresh grief.

Sometimes I still call out to her, "M - O - M!" I don't believe she can hear me. It's more that I'm afraid of forgetting my darling kitten.

I feel guility because I don't look for her every day. It doesn't cut me up when I don't see her sitting inside the front door when I come home. I don't miss her any more when I wake up. I can't remember the details of her face. The memory of her meow is already dimming.

And yet, last night I read my rembrances of her and couldn't get through it without tears crashing down like a waterfall.

I kept thinking I'd get a little stone or box to remember her, but I can't yet. She's just a damn cat, but I loved her. I was crappy at being loving to her most of the time, but I did give her a moderately safe place to live when no one else would. And, in point of fact, she chose me. Maybe that's why I miss her--because she's one of the few things in this world who chose me.

Everyday Christmas

Today's Christmas "box" is for a little girl. It's a canvas bag stuffed with a child-sized pillow and blanket, a stuffed toy, slippers, crayons, and coloring books. I also scored some glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs and wind up cars to add to some boxes in progress for a little boy.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

It gets better

Serious depression set in over the weekend. I didn't make it out of bed much on Saturday or Sunday. With a person, you can tell yourself, "X wouldn't want me to be like this." But, while MommieCat was a sweet, affectionate girl, she really didn't care about the quality of my life.

But, today I'm turning the depression corner. I've resume the wonderful vitamin B complex (which really seems to help). I'm also starting to set goals and to do things that make me feel powerful instead of powerless. These are serious keys, for me, in overcoming depression.

I still miss Mommie. I notice it most when I eat because she would always demand her share. Part of me is afraid that I'll forget her. I don't want to forget her, but if the pain goes away, I'm afraid I'll forget her.

I also am ashamed at how much I took her for granted. Alot of people tried to tell me that I shouldn't feel bad because I gave her a great life. Well, I didn't. If I'd have had her blood tested in January when she had such a bad eye infection, we might have been able to knock the E coli down in time. But I was equal parts cheap and depressed. She paid for my stupidity with her life.

The thing I can do is, from now on, to treat my 2 1/2 remaining cats with more affection and to buy insurance so cost isn't a factor when I take them to the vet.

I don't believe that animals go to heaven. The Bible says that God created animals, that He knows when a sparrow falls...but they don't have souls. Still, I know God created Mommie for me and sent her when I needed her the most. I hope He loved her enough to take her heaven.